Two days off was long enough. I had multiple projects in critical phases which all had high executive visibility. I needed to get back to work. I’m an IT consultant and have a very analytical approach to things. As such, my mind had been analyzing the ultrasound and what we heard for two days with minimal sleep.

Numerous questions were flying around in my head, but they all had the same theme to them which was essentially: “How confident are you in your initial assessment?” After all, people make mistakes. We’re all human. Who’s to say what they saw wasn’t really there? Or maybe the ultrasound machine sometimes displays things which aren’t really there” Ultimately, my objective was to get something which had been lacking. Hope.

On my way to work, I called our assigned caseworker, Karen. I must have asked her a variation of the same question ten times. I would always quantify the question with something along the lines of “I know there’s probably a small chance”, but I’m sure Karen saw right through it all. Despite my best attempt to establish hope, I wasn’t given any. The doctors were very sure of their findings and wouldn’t have delivered the news in the manner they did if they thought there was a chance of a different outcome.

My mind then changed to: What do we hope for? What do we pray for? Suffice it to say, I was a walking zombie at work that day as my mind processed Karen’s words. Every call I facilitated I’m sure I facilitated poorly as the reality continued to sink in.

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