As much as we wanted answers, it is so painful to hear Trisomy 18 is our fate. My heart hurts even more now. The pain is agonizing. I am just sad. It feels like weâve been punched in the gut all over again. Why is this happening? I do believe everything happens for a reason, but come on! Why are we forced to feel this much pain? Will we ever know why?
We have so many more questions now. There are so many unknowns it feels like our life is just on hold. We have no idea how long our daughter will live. Will she pass while I am pregnant? Will she be stillborn? Will she live a few minutes, hours, or days? Will Madeline and she get to meet? Can we take pictures? Is that weird? We need a name for her- a meaningful name. I want to record her heartbeat, that strong little heartbeat. I want to get her handprint on a Christmas ornament just like we did for Madelineâs first Christmas. I want to read her a story. âGod Gave Us Youâ is the perfect story⦠if I can get through it. She needs to be baptized. What if there isnât time? My mind has been racing with questions. There are so many unknowns.
We attended a lovely wedding the Saturday after we learned the diagnosis. I guess we could have stayed home after our 2 weeks of hell. But Wayne and I take comfort in having plans from time to time. Itâs a distraction. Sometimes we are just cried out.
I attended the ceremony while Wayne stayed home with Madeline. I sat in the back. I cried through most of the ceremony especially during the songs. One of the songs we played at our wedding as well- âWe Are One Bodyâ. One Body. This song has a whole new meaning to me now. One Body. All pregnant women are literally connected with their babies. Your two bodies literally are one. Right now, Catherineâs little heart tones are strong even though there are things severely wrong with her heart. I am keeping her alive. We are One Body. This is a song I love to sing along too. I couldnât today. All I could do this time is cry. Iâm not sure Iâll ever be able to hear it without crying again.
Wayne and I went to the reception later that evening. It was a lovely reception. We only knew a few people and we sat at a table with other people who didnât know many people attending the reception either. Sometimes these tables are the best. This wedding was no exception. We sat at an especially fun table with wonderful people. It was nice they didnât know us. They had no idea what we were going through. They couldnât feel sorry for us or ask us questions. They were just a fun loving group of people.
We were getting to know each other. The regular small talk was taking place. What do you do? How about those Cardinals (it was October in St Louis so of course the St Louis Cardinals were in the playoffs)? Do you have children? How many kids do you have?
Wait, what was that question? How many kids do you have?
This exact question was asked by one of the couples sitting to our left. Wayne and I looked at each other panic stricken. We didnât think about this question. How many kids do you have? What do we say? One? A 19 month old and Iâm 5 months pregnant? But that leads to âOh, congratulations! When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? How excited is your daughter? How are you feeling?â and the list of inevitable questions continued. Of course these questions are innocent. Of course, they are just happy for us. Of course they have no idea we are grieving. The last thing we want to do is make them feel sorry for us or uncomfortable. We will probably never see them again. Why would we bring the happy table vibe down?
Yet another thing we didnât think about. How many more of these situations are we going to have to prepare for and/or stumble through when we happen upon them unknowingly?
What are we going to say when people ask us how many kids we have?
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