I like Halloween, but I don’t go crazy over it. Ten years of teaching 13 & 14 year olds on Halloween candy sugar highs tend to drain one’s enthusiasm for the holiday. I will say it is much more fun having a small human to dress up in cute costumes though.

For some reason, which I couldn’t explain at the time, I was extremely excited for this Halloween. I bought Madeline’s costume many weeks before Halloween (the extent of my sewing abilities is to replace buttons, barely). I was proud to be prepared even with everything else going on in our lives. We had a great day planned with lots to do and many people to visit. I was really excited about it.

MJT cupcake

Our Madeline was the cutest cupcake you ever did see- we can say that because she is our kid and this is our blog. Madeline was in great spirits. Wayne and I were smiling. Today was going to be a really nice day.

Madeline and I, along with my sister and Madeline’s cousins the construction worker and a mini-Richard Simmons, surprised Aunt Amy at work. Madeline and I visited Daddy at work in costume, of course. After her nap, we had dinner at my parents. We “trick-or-treated” at one location- our parish rectory. And lastly, we visited Wayne’s cousin Tracy and her husband Steve. It was a jammed packed day and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Upon reflection, I realized why I was overly excited about Halloween this year: I was craving a normal day full of fun events to distract my mind from the life altering situation we find ourselves in. Every day since Catherine’s 20-week ultrasound, I have replayed the events of that appointment as well as the diagnosis phone call 10 days later. After replaying those events, my mind tries to “plan” the numerous scenarios we could face with Catherine’s arrival.

Will Catherine survive the pregnancy?

Will Catherine survive labor?

Will Catherine be live born?

How long will we get with Catherine?

Will I go into pre-term labor?

Will I be strong enough to have a VBAC?

Will Madeline and Catherine meet?

How will Wayne and I handle the emotions of that day?

And the list of questions goes on and on in my mind- every day and every night. It is overwhelming and a heavy burden to carry. I’m not good at relinquishing control. In this situation, I cannot control a thing. I know everything is in God’s hands. I know God will be and has been with us every step of the way. So when my mind so easily goes down the dark path of questions, I try to remember to stop and pray to settle my thoughts. When I do this, it is amazing how I find peace… until I let my mind wonder, again. But I will take any relief I can get.

Today’s fun Halloween plans were a much needed break from my own thoughts and worries. I can worry, again, tomorrow.